Funny Stuff

Two-Headed Headlines


newspaper
One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remardks was "All I know is what I
read in the papers."  For many busy people, all they know is what they read in
the headlines.  The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies from the
news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story.

Behind every newspaper headline lurks a newspaper deadline.  The men and
women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space.

They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief
messages must clearly state the theme of each story, keep words intact, be
attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention.  On top of that, each
headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible.

No wonder that, on occasion, editors get caught with their headlines down,
and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold-face botch becomes a
red-face result.

Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent
pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:

                              GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT
                               MAKES HOLE IN ONE

                     DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING

                    DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE

                             ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED

                         DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT

                         COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES
                                  GROWING UGLY

                       POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN
                                   JAYWALKERS

                           FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES
                           EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL

                                HOUSE PASSES GAS
                                TAX ONTO SENATE

                       POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA

                        TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST

                           STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED
                           TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN

                       MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES

                      MANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETING

                         IKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PAT

                           TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE;
                                   JURY HUNG

                   U.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENT




                              CHINESE APEMAN DATED

                      MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE

                            TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY

                      WILLIAM KELLY, 87, WAS FED SECRETARY

                         ALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWD

                         NATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.

                                U'S FOOD SERVICE
                                FEEDS THOUSANDS,
                                GROSSES MILLIONS

                      COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGATABLES

                      MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

                    HALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILL

                    SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS
                                SHOULD BE BELTED

                         SCIENTISTS TO HAVE FORD'S EAR

                     S. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF
                                   BY NEW LAW

                         10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTED

                   QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER

                     DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

                        COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH

                          JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER

                     MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE

                    SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

                           CARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICIT

                          CARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELP

                        CARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT

                         THUGS EAT THEN ROB PROPRIETOR

                        ROBBER HOLDS UP ALBERT'S HOSIERY

                      NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD

                            TOWN TO DROP SCHOOL BUS
                             WHEN OVERPASS IS READY

                           FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

                    KISSINGER ALLEGEDLY FORGES MIDEAST PACT




                     GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS

                             IRAQUI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

                             SALESMAN SAYS HE LEFT
                        4 LARGE RINGS IN MALDEN BATHTUB

                              HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

                      MEAT HEAD FIGHTS HIKE IN MINIMUM PAY

                           NEW AUTOS TO HIT 5 MILLION

When a newspaper goes out wearing the wrong banner, its messages can become
unwittingly suggestive:

                        QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

                    IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

                         HENSHAW OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY
                                TO GOOSE HUNTERS

                              CONNIE TIED, NUDE
                             POLICEMAN TESTIFIES

                           WOMEN'S MOVEMENT CALLED
                              MORE BROAD-BASED

                 ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DISPLAY WARES AT STORE

                                STUD TIRES OUT

                           PROSTITUTE APPEAL TO POPE

                         CITY MAY IMPOSE MANDATORY TIME
                                FOR PROSTITUTION

                       SPLIT REARS IN FARMERS' MOVEMEMT

                           MRS. RYDELL'S BUST UNVEILED
                                 AT NEARBY SCHOOL

                       JAIL GUARD PROBE IN PRISON SEX
  
                         GROVER MAN DRAWS PRISON TERM,
                              FINE FOR SEX ACTS

                               PANDA MATING FAILS
                            VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

                    KIDS' PAJAMAS TO BE REMOVED BY WOOLWORTH

                   NUNS DROP SUIT; BISHOPS AGREE TO AID THEM

                           PLANNED PARENTHOOD LOOKING
                                 FOR VOLUNTEERS

                    N. J. JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH.

                     CHILD'S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN





                         IDAHO GROUP ORGANIZES TO HELP
                                 SERVICE WIDOWS

                       COLUMNIST GET UROLOGIST IN TROUBLE
                                 WITH HIS PEERS

                           DR RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX
                             WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS

                  PASTOR AGHAST AFTER FIRST LADY SEX POSITION

                        MRS. CORSON'S SEAT UP FOR GRABS

                    SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN

                     LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN TEXAS

                       CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTS

                         STERILIZATIONS SOLVES PROBLEMS
                                FOR PETS, OWNERS

                     ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX

Sometimes the galley gaffe issues from a confusion in grammar:

                    BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

                         LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

                             CITY PACT FIGHT BOILS

                              EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

                           TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

                             REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET,
                              BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

                      SWAZI KING, 2 SONS POISON SUSPECTS

                   DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON
   
                         SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
   
                   MONDALE'S OFFENSIVE LOOKS HARD TO BEAT

                         AMERICAN SHIPS HEAD TO LIBYA

                      LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE

                    LIFE MEANS CARING FOR HOSPITAL DIRECTOR

                    HORNETS WILL ACCENT THROWING GAME IN '81

                   SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66






                     MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD
                                  AS PET FISH

                     ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

                       ADMITS SHOOTING HUSBAND FROM STAND
                                  DURING TRIAL

                     LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

                           PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND,
                                CRASH PROBE TOLD

                       MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

                   JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANNT

                      FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S KIN

                         STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

                    FINE YOUNG MAN CONVICTED OF MISDEMEANOR

                      HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC

                      SILENT TEAMSTER BOSS GETS UNUSUAL
                              PUNISHMENT, LAWYER

                     TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

                     2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS
                           IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

                  KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME
                                IN 10 YEARS

                       COMMUTER TAX ON NEW YORKERS
                           KILLED IN NEW JERSEY

Occasionelly, a deformed headlinne takes on a meaning that is exactly the
opposite of the one intended:

                      NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION
                             FROM LOVED ONE

                    CANCER SOCIETY HONORS MARLBORO MANN

                   NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY

                      DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1, 000 IN '84

                            AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY
                           LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER

                        20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR

And sometimes the headline illuminates the painfully obvious:

                          WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

                       IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY,
                              IT MAY LAST A WHILE









                      SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH
                              CUTS EFFICIENCY

                     COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

                           HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS
                               REQUIRE SOME STUDY
                                 FOR GRADUATION

                    CHILD'S DEATH RUINS COUPLE'S HOLIDAY

                          BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY
                       FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS

                                SCENT FOUL PLAY
                               IN DEATH OF MAN
                             FOUND BOUND AND HANGED

                              MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN

                             ENDFIELD COUPLE SLAIN:
                            POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

                       SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH,
                                  EXPERT SAYS

                            DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS,
                             FEELINGS OF ISOLATION

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